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October 20, 2014 - Disinterested

Dear Sexi Sami,

It’s my third year here at UCSC and I am starting to feel as if there is a big difference between my friends and me when it comes to sex and relationships. My friends date, have significant others, and enjoy sex, but I don’t seem to share their same level of interest these activities. I do enjoy dating, but I don’t feel any urge to go beyond talking, cuddling, and making out. Am I just a “late bloomer” or are there people who just aren’t interested in sex?

Signed, Disinterested

Sexi Sami Sez: For a lot of folks, level of interest in sexual activity changes throughout their lives. There are many internal and external elements that can contribute to one’s interest or disinterest in sex. Variables include age, partner(s), survivor status, personal ideas and values surrounding sex, internalized homo/biphobia, body issues, medications, hormones, and many other factors! Some folks find that their interest in sex fluctuates over time, while others feel as if their interest/disinterest is fairly consistent.

Read previous Ask Sexi Sami Q&A in our Archives!

If you have any feedback or additional resources to share with Sexi Sami, please e-mail them at

Further Reading and External Links

POZ magazine (magazine for people living with HIV and their allies/ families)
Gay/ Bi men's sexual health info
Penis Health (Mayo clinic)
Health Issues for Gay Men (more Mayo clinic)
Sexual Health for Lesbian and Bisexual Women
Vagina Health
Great drawing & discussion Video explaining the vulva!
Polyamory examining the myths and facts
Women Lovin': A queer women's sexual health guide (free pdf)
How To Get Over Your First (Gay) Breakup: 5 Important Tips
AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network)